------------THE FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS COMMUNICATOR---------- [1 May 2004] DAILY INTELLIGENCER BRIEFING MICHAEL POWELL DETERMINED TO STRIKE WITHIN UNITED STATES Increasing chatter is being noted among al-FCC operatives as the holy day known as "Labor" approaches. A hitherto-secret initiative variously known as "BPL", "PLC" or "PLT" seems to be the subject of this chatter. Although hard information is scarce, the plan apparently is to take advantage of weaknesses in the US national power grid to hijack it for the purpose of broadcasting powerful low-frequency interference across the entire country, thus disabling emergency services operating in bands below 3000 GHz. As soon as emergency services, amateur radio and radio astronomy have been disabled, operatives of al-FCC and its various satellite organizations presumably will be able to operate freely within our borders. To prevent this truly terrifying prospect, all FEMA workers are being issued copies of the recently obtained but hitherto top-secret al-FCC documents "NPRM&O for Cognitive and Software-Defined Radio" and its pre- decessor "NOI on Interference Temperature Metric". These two treatises, the intelligencer community believes, form the ideological and technological basis for the impending BPL attack. ------------THE FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS COMMUNICATOR------------- [1 April 2004] FCC ANNOUNCES IMMEDIATE PROCEDURE AND NOMENCLATURE CHANGES Henceforth, the following changes will be in effect: 1. The NOI, previously understood as a "Notice of Inquiry" will henceforth be a "Notice of Interference" in whatever you were doing before seeing the NOI. 2. The NPRM, previously understood as a "Notice of Proposed Rule Making" will be partially replaced by the NPTM ("Notice of Proposed Trouble Making") and partially novated as the new NPRM, or "Notice of Proposed Random Mischief" Effective immediately, by order of the Chairman. ---------------------------------------------------------------- FCC COMMISSIONIONERS DISAPPOINTED TO DISCOVER TRICORDERS NOT INVENTED YET "They seem so cool," said an FCC spokesperson speaking under a cloak of anonymity. "You know, the whole idea of the Interference Temperature Metric came to the staff during a marathon 4-day Star Trek farewell costume party at the Homestead in honor of a departing most senior member of the OET. Somebody just said that if a device like that could take Spock's temperature without being anywhere near him, it could certainly also take the Inter- ference Temperature. None of the industry sponsors said a peep. I really don't know what more the FCC is expected to do here, hasn't everyone read our Cognitive and Software-Defined Radio NOI?" ----------------------------------------------------------------- FCC COMMISSIONERS DISAPPOINTED TO DISCOVER SETI NOT DEVELOPING UNLICENSED PART 15 HANDHELD ALIEN LIFE-FORM DETECTORS FCC Commissioners were astonished to learn that the SETI project had built only an unmovable monolithic array of 351 dishes at a very remote location in northern California and had no plans to develop unlicensed Part 15 hand-held alien life-form detectors like those seen in "Alien" and other science-based entertainment forms now encouraged by the FCC. "Replay of the director's cut DVD of 'Aliens' clearly shows an FCC part 15 device tag on the back of Sigourney Weaver's handheld alien life form tracker. We're sure of that, some of the staff stared at it uninteruptedly for almost four hours last night," said a spokesman for the FCC's OET after return to the downtown office from a marathon 4 day Star Trek costume farewell party at the Greenbrier for a departing member of the FCC's much-vaunted EDOCS search engine development staff. He continued, "we're scrutinizing those frames more now to get a license number. If there has been fraudulent misprepresentation or unauthorized use, an order of forfeiture will certainly be issued." ------------------------------------------------------------------- BPL ROLLOUT EXTENDED TO US DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE The USDA today became the latest Federal cabinet department to roll out its federally-mandated BPL program, following recommendations of the recently-concluded Animal Husbandry Policy Reform Task Force. The initiative, 'Beef over Power Lines,' will be effected immediately. "It seemed logical," said a USDA spokesman, "since we don't test beef either." ------------------------------------------------------------------- UWB/RFID COALITION ANNOUNCES NEW DC-TO-LIGHT EMISSIONS MASK "Development of the new gamma-ray LED makes this a logical next step," said a coalition spokesman. "By using the whole electromagnetic spectrum it should be possible to transmit the complete wave-function of the entire Universe, including, we hope, a precise measurement of the relativistically correct, co-moving Interference Temperature." ------------------------------------------------------------------- TAKE THE FCC'S TEMPERATURE (PLEASE) "Honk if you think someone should take the FCC's temperature, not the environment's Interference Temperature," said a spokesman for the newly-constituted passive service industry coalition 'ShutUpAndStopTransmittingStupid.org'. "Their last few public notices read like fever dreams. We just wish the FCC would stop tossing and turning in its sleep. And it snores. We'd rather lay down with a wet dog." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ + "News From The Future" + +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ TRICORDER MANUFACTURERS STILL STRUGGLING TO IMPLEMENT INTERFERENCE TEMPERATURE METRIC Tricorder chipset manufacturers requested yet another temporary, 40-year extension of the FCC R+O 2004-299 requiring all hand-held unlicensed Part 15 devices to incorporate an Interference Temperature Thermometer. An industry spokesman continued to insist that real-time Interference Temperature measurement would not be possible for quite a long while, what with the expiration of Moore's law in the early 26th century. ------------------------------------------------------------------ MICHAEL POWELL APPOINTED TO UNPRECEDENTED 215TH TERM AS FCC CHAIRMAN The Chairman's office issued a statement thanking the President for this reappointment and renewing FCC committment to oversee full implementation of the Interference Temperature R+O of 2004.